$149 Smoothie

Ever make a $149 smoothie? I have, just last year. Here’s how: put some milk, fruit and ice into your good blender. Then, using a stainless steel spoon, add about a tablespoon of almond butter. When the phone rings and you go to answer it, leave the spoon in the blender. Cover and blend on high, forgetting to remove the spoon. You will hear an odd clanking sound then the motor of your blender will burn out. Blender $145 Spoon $2.50 Ingredients $1.50 Feeling like an idiot: priceless.

Nature’s Lip Plumper

When I was first out of college I decided to make my first chili from scratch. The recipe called for chopped fresh jalapeno peppers “to taste,” but I had no idea how spicy the peppers I bought were, or frankly if they were even jalapenos. So I had the ingenious idea of cutting one open and rubbing it on my lips to find out. I found out all right! I wound up on the sofa in complete agony, my lips burning, bright red and swollen. I finally got some relief covering them with a cold, milk soaked towel but they stayed inflamed the rest of the night. Come to think of it, I just may have discovered nature’s lip plumper. I don’t recommend it.

How Do You Say Chicken?

I was 18 years old in Japan (back in my modeling days) and walked in alone to a den-like noodle bar filled with serious looking businessmen in suits slurping steaming bowls of noodles. I didn’t speak a word of Japanese and the staff didn’t speak English, so I pointed to a bowl of soup and my waiter nodded enthusiastically. I really wanted chicken in my soup but no matter how slowly, clearly and loudly I said CHICK-IN of course he still didn’t understand. As a last resort, I stood up and a little shyly began flapping my elbows and clucking. Even the serious suits laughed. I got my chicken noodle soup that night and I also learned a little Japanese: baka gaijin means “silly foreigner.”

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